Eis o texto (é meio longo, mas vale a pena...o poeminha no final então...cruzes. credo. cruz credo!) .
Lexington, February 17th, 1998
To: Department of Justice
1221 Liberty Avenue
Washington D.C.
Dear Immigration Officer,
I write this letter in behalf of Priscila Beloch, who works as a local sales assistant at WDKY-TV in Lexington, Kentucky. She is my personal assistant and I would like to express my thoughts about the extreme importance to have her visa extended so that way she would keep working for me.
Although Ms.Beloch has only been working in the company for 3 months, she has excelled at all tasks. In that short period of time, she undoubtedly became essential not only for the entire company but especially for me. Just imagine this scenario that happened last week: Ms. Beloch was unfortunately stuck in her habitat due to a snow storm around her surroundings. Any plain Jane would be unable to drive anywhere or snorkel through the snow in order to hail a cab, a lift, or a passenger bus. But, instead of staying home in bed, laughing at the opportunity to miss work in such horrendous weather conditions, Ms. Beloch managed to shovel all the snow around her vehicle. Taking advantage of her immense creativity and extra time, she also managed to build a snowman just to make the little kids around her apartment complex happy. Then the unimaginable happened: after successfully turning on the engine of her car (which by the way is a miracle, because her car is such a hooptie with no will to start when it’s freezing), already thanking the Almighty for the blessing of letting her go to work to do the things she enjoys the most, she realizes that all the tires are bald. In order to protect her health and avoid a potential collision, Ms. Beloch, weeping, calls her boss saying that she would be unable to drive to work that day because she is afraid of risking her and other people’s life on the journey. Needless to say, the boss decides to call off the day because the most essential working arm wouldn’t be able to make it. Just to prove how extraordinary Ms. Beloch is, she took advantage of having some documents from work at home and spent the whole day brainstorming and writing down new brilliant ideas to be presented on the next day, when she showed up for work at 4 AM to make up the missed hours.
Just to add another impressive data: I can never forget the day that Ms. Beloch went to work even though she was going through a 105 degree fever, anemia, pneumonia, gradual loss of sight, and labirintitis. She managed to do her job with an I.V. stuck in her arm and innumerous caplets of non-drowsy Quill (don’t remember if it was Nite or Day). From this day, hangs on her wall a little medal of recognition given by the Association for the Extremely Productive Aliens in America (AEPAA). No one in that office, and I might add, any other office in the face of this world if given the chance, would ever be able to forget how amazing Ms. Beloch was for being there that day. It was one of those rarest moments in life, seeing something so amazingly touching. And I must confess: I cried like melting butter, no, like a depressed onion peeler, no, like a puppy having his tail cut off – you name it. To put it short, Ms. Beloch is also a heroine (not the drug).
I cannot express my thankfulness to you for letting this one in a million person continue to work for me. But I know that you, respectful mister immigration man, want to know a detailing outline of her abilities and what exactly makes Ms. Beloch such an essential worker. Below, I compiled a little cute chart with her chores and performance rates:
- The copy machine - she removes paper jams at a speed never before seen. She usually skips lunch hour just to unjam everybody’s jams. She is also an ambulant manual for the copier. The person initially responsible for the machine threw out the original hard copy because she expects to count on Ms. Beloch forever.
- Coffee, please! - well, you might be thinking that she actually walks all the way to the cafeteria, brew some, and take to the boss. No. She carries around her waist, at all times, a little computerized portable coffee maker that she invented herself. It’s sensible to the boss’s “coffee please” (hence the name) requests, and it works automatically, also amazingly fast. By the way, the patent to this incredible invention is pending.
- Contracts - you know, as a sales department, we are always dealing with contracts and a huge amount of paperwork. Ms. Beloch’s routine consists of tearing them apart and distributing copies 1 and 2 around, while saving copies 3 and 4 for filing. You won’t believe this, but Ms. Beloch has a little miniature bouncing ball for each one of us sales people, and attached to it a clip that holds the contracts and paperwork. She throws the balls at each cubicle and here we are, all of our papers sitting there (she’s a 100% shooter), saving all of us both precious time and leg work.
- Contract keying - she punches contracts on the computer using her finger extensions; even if she’s way far away from the computer and someone (like me) needs something to be keyed right away, for the same day’s log, she activates her fingers and keys them from any distance in a 100 yards radio.
- Punching holes on the binding device - we work to make sure that every single hole in our office is being punched by Ms. Beloch. I have never seen anybody else in this world who can punch with such a perfection. Sometimes we even call her “the official puncher” because her punch is what makes those holes alive, happy, and asking for a binder.
- Need to close an envelope without having to God damn lick them? Ms. Beloch has this very useful wax taped on the extremity of her nose. No envelopes have ever been mailed out so properly sealed.
- Working on the telephone switchboard - everybody in the office voluntarily stopped answering direct calls just for the pleasure of having Ms. Beloch answer and announce them on the pager system. She’s also the only one able to handle a gazillion of calls simultaneously by productively using the echo technique, in which she is a pioneer.
- TV Scan - she became the only one in history able to deal with that crappy, idiotic, obsolete, boring, annoying software that I never use because I’m neither an idiot nor obsolete.
Well, I guess that’s it, although I can never say enough of Ms. Beloch. All I ask is for your understanding and willingness to let this perfectly functional workaholic heroic human being stay in the United States of America for the sake of WDKY’s well being. She is the essence of the word ESSENTIAL WORKER. If there is one thing I’m afraid I have to say that is negative about her, maybe is her constant refusal to mop around. She won’t do it and I kind of agree with her. But other than that, Mr. Immigration Officer, she will not only do, but do with the brilliance of a diamond that came from a Brazilian mine.
I hope you will grant her the much deserved extension, and if you’re kind enough, a green card that will become God’s gift, just like the green pastures of this blessed land we call Kentucky, USA.
With all my respect,
Tom M
WDKY’s A.E. and one of Ms. Beloch’s boss.
P.S.: You can reach me anytime during business hours in order to discuss about Ms. Beloch and if you’d like to hear many many many more qualities she so extraordinarily possesses.
“God damn,
a paper jam!
Oh! Man,
It’s TV Scan!
Skip lunch
just to punch
Bind you may
or you shall say
“Coffee’s ready!”
Fast and steady
For me to praise
means that she
deserves a raise
She needs to become
an american resident
so that way we can
elect her our president!”
(caralho que vergonha desse poema risos...)
Vou postando aqui outras bizarrices de minha autoria que "garimpei" de disquetes velhérrimos ontem. Por hoje é só...
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